Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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