I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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