He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
