I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
