Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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