How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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