Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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