Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
