whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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