Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
