All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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