she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
