Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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