I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
