I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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