Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Swine flu. Run for my life!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize