I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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