i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I need a beard to bite.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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