My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can you bring me the toilet please
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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