throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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