your thong is hanging out like whoa
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
