Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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