so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you never un-have a 4some
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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