Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize