Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Green mimosas i think yes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
