I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
