I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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