She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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