So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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