She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
