I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
