My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
