I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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