you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
