im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
