Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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