Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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