You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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