he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
