This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
