i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
