kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
