She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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