I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
