i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
