My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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