you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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