Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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