I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
