She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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