Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
