to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
