I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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