I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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