:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It was confusing and full of hummus
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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