Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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