So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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